Get out of Dad’s Way

By Gregory Keer

Guys do plenty wrong (believe me, I have lots of personal proof), but what man has a chance to get it right if his wife critiques his every move? It’s time to back off, ladies, and let the man do some swaddling and feeding.

1. Guys Want to Nurture

Lots of evidence points to baby’s needing more of Mommy than Daddy, particularly early on, yet mounting statistics prove the significance of fatherly involvement in developing children. Studies show that children with fathers who care for them, especially from infancy, end up more secure in life, among other benefits. Judging by all the guys digging into their ‘daddy bags’ and hanging out with their kids in parks in broad daylight, more dads are building off a 1991 survey that revealed 75% of men would rather have extra time with their families than get a job promotion.

2. Help Him Get Involved Early

The sooner a father gets involved in being a parent, the better the chance he will stay in the groove over the decades. Just as conception is usually a two-person job (even with modern fertility methods), be sure to keep everything else related to the child a partnership. Read pregnancy books, shop for nursery items, and go to birthing class and the hospital (!) together. After birth, maintain the rhythm by letting dad change diapers, read to baby, and feed baby bottles (breastfeeding moms can still have father give a bottle each day or a couple a week).

3. Different Is Not Wrong

If a father feeds the kids something other than what a mother suggests, it can still be OK (as long as the food’s relatively nutritious). If Dad takes the children to the movies instead of reading books, that can be all right, too, because it’s still parenting time. It’s also important to recognize that fathers parent differently. Dads let kids roughhouse more and take more chances. This is different than moms but good for children’s developing understanding of the world and their limits.

4. Take Some Time Off

One way for a mom to let go a little more is to have a dad take one night or one weekend day alone with the kids. Mom can go out with friends, out of town, whatever, as long as dad must fend for himself. It’s tough for most dads (heck, it’s hard for moms too), but this will allow a man to figure out his own pattern with the kids and not rely on the crutch of a mother. Certainly, keep the cell phone line open for questions, but resist the urge to check in or else risk insulting a father’s capability.

5. Applaud His Efforts

It’s not that fathers need more praise – actually, they do. The fact is that, while stereotypes are changing, Mom is still the go-to parent in most families. The only way to ensure the shrinkage of the gap between mother and father involvement is for the dad to feel in control, confident, and satisfied. Tell your partner what he does well more than criticize him for where he falls flat. You can offer advice, but do it as a team, saying, “This is what we both need to work on.” The more a father gets in the regular rhythm of child care, the more natural it will be for the man to make good on his potential.

© 2009 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Gregory Keer is an award-winning syndicated columnist, teacher, guest expert in national media. He and his wife have three sons. He can be reached at his fatherhood magazine, www.familymanonline.com.