Contests
The Perfect Balance
Moms and Dads sharing the joys, tasks of parenting
By Kellie Carrara and Alison O’Leary Murray
“How ‘bout this rock, Dad?” asked 3-year-old Theo Vachon, trying to balance three squirming worms on the orange plastic blade of his kid-sized shovel.
Squatting down to his son’s level, Marc Vachon complied, rolling over a rock next to the family’s Watertown driveway and dutifully digging among the wet leaves underneath for more worms.
While other fathers are generally at work, Marc is digging worms, chasing Theo up the street on his bike, picking up 7-year-old daughter Maya from school, several afternoons a week. On alternating afternoons and all day Fridays, his wife, Amy, is home with the kids. They’re living a lifestyle designed, they say, to divide parenting duties equally, and they offer advice and guidance to others curious about structuring their schedules similarly through consulting and their Web site, equallysharedparenting.com. They’re also publishing a book on the topic that should be available next January.
“If a man, who was the family’s sole or primary breadwinner, is suddenly laid off, the couple has a chance to change how they relate to each other if they wish,” she said, adding that it will take a bit of adjustment. “If they can shed the idea that they are meant to play specific roles within the family, and transition from a marriage built on roles to one built on a team of two individuals, they are in a good position to make the leap to ESP.”
But compressing the workweek, as he does now, was a choice Marc made before becoming a father.
“I was committed to having a balanced life. Before we had kids, it was bike riding and playing tennis with others who weren’t working during the same hours. I could make more money, but I’ve settled for something that fits my personality, and fits the lifestyle for our family.”
The lifestyle isn’t just for the wealthy, Marc says, pointing out that there can be huge savings in childcare costs for individuals as well as creating a more palatable option for employers who might consider reduced hours in lieu of layoffs.
Sharing parenting doesn’t mean there aren’t issues about who does what at the Vachon house, says Marc.
“It’s not about splitting everything 50-50, it’s about being a team,” he said. And he values his time with his children. “If I only saw them an hour a day I’d never quite get to the competent stage, and I didn’t want to be marginalized at home. I don’t think of it as a number of hours a week, but as an investment over time.”
Franklin dad and special needs high school teacher Ron Kurtz agrees.
Like Vachon, Kurtz and his wife Jennifer Peters had divided household chores and responsibilities long before their 4-year-old daughter Katherine was born, which set a good foundation in establishing the family routine.
And now, the three are living a busy life that’s full of balance involving careers, pre-school and quality time spent together.
Kurtz’s work schedule allows him to get Katherine ready for school and do Monday through Thursday drop off and pick up at pre-school. Peters, who is a design director in Boston, catches an early train and works four long days, but is home for a much treasured “Momma and Katherine Day” each Friday.
While Peters says nothing is truly ever 50-50 in the house, she loves seeing the relationship blossom between father and daughter, as well as nurturing her own special bond with Katherine, while maintaining a fulfilling career.
“Obviously we have a close relationship, and I’ve gained a new perspective on life,” Kurtz says about the amount of time he is able to spend with his daughter. “There’s a sense of magic [with her]… in reading, in playing, in everything.”
Jokingly he adds that he’s gained a greater understanding of the opposite sex, by spending so much time with a “girly-girl” daughter.
And due to his profession, Peters says she has seen her husband bring the classroom home to young Katherine.
“He’s very much about the education, naming plants in the garden, naming trees... They’re currently working on phonics,” she said.
Paul Goodrich, a Winchester dad of a 2 1/2-year-old, meets Brad Ali of Needham on Fridays, when the two dads take the day off.
People don't find it unusual to see two fathers with their kids out during the day, says Goodrich. "It's definitely a choice," he said. "My wife loves to have her career, so we split our time, the chores and stuff around the house."
And it’s that respect of each others’ careers that help make the sharing work,” Amy Vachon said.
“Most families these days include two breadwinners, but in many families it is the man’s career that still takes center stage,” Amy said. “In an ESP home, however, this is no longer the case. Both careers are equivalently valued. I know that my job counts as much as Marc’s (and vice versa), and this gives both of us the flexibility to manage our careers over time.”
She went on to say that the concept also means parents and employers only have to absorb half (on average) of child sick-days, school vacation days, early-release days, etc., and more often than not, these job-hits are more often felt by women than by men.
As a mother, Amy said once most moms are able to let go of controlling the home and being the primary parent, the rewards are well worth the effort.
“Foremost, I’ve got a fully competent, equal partner in everything that it takes to run our home and raise our kids – not just a super-helper, but a true teammate,” she said, adding she doesn’t have to ask Marc to help, or essentially give orders around the house.
“I’ve certainly learned to temper my tendency toward organized and efficient parenting as I see Marc’s more laid-back and spontaneous style, and I think our kids benefit from intimately learning two ways of approaching life.”
Peters also sees the same results in her own home.
“I think it’s funny to see the difference between ‘mommy outfits’ and ‘daddy outfits.’ I usually give Katherine two clothing choices in the morning, while Ron allows her to select her own outfits,” she said of her more practical than fashionable husband. “Sometimes she comes down in crazy costumes for school, and then he attempts to ‘style’ her hair. Ron couldn’t find a belt one day to hold up her pants, so he put a binder clip at the waist!”
It’s these trials and triumphs that both parents can take part and feel proud of, Amy concluded.
“When two parents share equivalently in running their family and earning the family income, they walk in each other’s shoes every day,” she said.
“This leads to a relationship that is a team – two partners dedicated to balanced lives for each other and themselves – and we find this leads to less focus on who does what chores, criticism or nagging. We both want the same thing – and we both know what it takes to get every job done,” explained Amy.
Kellie Carrara is a regular contributor to Parents & Kids, mother of a 4-year-old girl
and shares parenting responsibilities with her husband in Franklin. Alison O’Leary Murray is the former editor of Skirt! Boston.
DEFINITION:
Equally shared parenting is this: The purposeful practice of two parents in an intact home sharing equally in the domains of childraising, housework, breadwinning, and recreation time.
--Marc & Amy Vachon
WEBSITE
equallysharedparenting.com
We had to ask…what do you think when you hear the term equally shared parenting?
Gregory Donoghue, Holliston
Julie Dennehey, Medway
Matthew Hanson, Bellingham
Renee Addario Evelyn, Dover, NH (phoPKrenee)
Sue Westcott, Medway
