Dr. Gwenn Is In

Lessons From The Gloucester Teens

A new approach for the all important “talk”

By Gwenn Schurgin O’Keeffe, MD, FAAP

Having “the talk” with our kids is never easy. Just getting through saying the various anatomic names can be daunting for even the most savvy of parents. It used to be that we would talk about the basics, reproduction, and add sexuality, birth control and life issues like babies later on as our kids got older. This news of 17 pregnant Gloucester teens rocks that philosophy to the core!

We need a new approach – one that takes into account the reality of what today’s teens are truly doing sexually. 

Beyond just the basics, “the talk” for today’s kids needs to include:

1.      Accurate and honest information

2.      A discussion of consequences

3.      Problem solving ways to keep themselves safe – that is, an honest talk of birth control

4.      The knowledge they can turn to their parents if something goes wrong

Accurate and Honest Information

Accurate information is easy for parents, especially with the help of Web sites, books and basic reproductive health taught in 5th grade. Where parents have trouble is going the step further and being honest with their tweens and teens about the facts. The facts that need to be discussed are the basic facts of reproduction, the fact that sex leads to a baby, and the fact that something called birth control exists. To leave out any of those facts is not being honest with our kids about the full picture of reproduction and sexuality.

A Discussion Of Consequences

Teens don’t problem solve well about sexual behavior so you have to do it for them and keep it simple. My talk with teens about consequences of sex is simple: “If you have sex as a teen, you’ll either become a teenage parent, get a disease, or both.” Teens are very impulsive. They think sex is fun and babies are cute. If you start spelling out the reality of having a baby or getting a disease, most teens will begin to wake up and want to take steps to be more responsible.

Enlist your pediatrician’s help in talking to your teen about sexually transmitted diseases. Most teens become quite stunned when they learn the details of many of those STDs. To give your teen a reality check about life with a baby, don’t just tell them stories of your teen or other kids as cute babies – tell the tough stuff: hours of colic, sleepless nights, trips to the pediatrician, sick stuff, diapers, feeding, no social life, no money for anything but baby stuff. Don’t paint a pretty or overly glorious picture.

Problem Solving and Ways to Keep Them Safe

While many parents hope their kids will not have sex, clearly that is a pipe dream. To truly keep your teens out of trouble if they have sex, birth control and the HPV shot for girls are the best methods at the moment. It is a huge myth that talking about birth control and the HPV shot will entice your kids into sexual activity. Teens who have decided to have sex will do so with or without their parents “consent.” Think of it like this: You don’t have to approve or like your teen’s decision to have sex and you can let your teen know that. But, as a parent, you have a responsibility to help your teen not do something too stupid, either. Teens are impulsive and sometimes need rope to run with a gently tug back.

BTW, abstinence only programs don’t work. But, what does work is giving teens information and having parents who support them. What also works is keeping teens busy in other activities and helping keep their self-esteem high. Teens with high self-esteem who have lots of activities in their lives tend to not look for the “other” form of gratification too young.

The Knowledge They Can Turn To Their Parents

For problem solving to really work, our teens need to know they can talk to us. I know too many teens way too fearful of talking to their parents about issues of sex and sexuality for fear of being disowned. That’s very sad to me. Our teens need to know we won’t always be happy with their choices but they also need to know we will unconditionally love and support them regardless of the outcome. If you haven’t seen the movie Juno, see it. The way those parents handled the news of Juno’s pregnancy is a model to us all.

Final Thoughts

The biggest pill to swallow here is that teens are having sex, in all walks of life. If we all become more honest about that perhaps we can cultivate a more open atmosphere in our own homes so our own teens make better choices than the Gloucester teens did – and one less baby born to a teen parent. 

The general rule on when a discussion should begin is: As early as they ask but in an age appropriate way. Public schools include it in the curriculum by 5th grade.

Teaching responsibility

You have to teach your kids responsibility over time by allowing them to be responsible well before the teen years. Allow them to help around the house, help with pets and younger siblings. Trust them to stay home alone a bit when they are young teens and older tweens. Teach them how to use a cell phone and hold them accountable to its proper use. We have to hold them responsible for the things they have to accomplish such as homework and practicing instruments and sports. In other words, we can’t allow them to slack off in areas they have to apply themselves. We have to first teach our kids to be responsible people well before they are responsible parents!

Gwenn Schurgin O'Keeffe, M.D., F.A.A.P., P&K Medical Advisor, a pediatrician and mother of two from Wayland. A graduate of Tufts University School of Medicine, Dr. O'Keeffe completed her residency training at New England Medical Center and practices in the Metrowest area.   She is a columnist with the Gatehouse family of publications and her column, Dr. Gwenn Is In (formerly Your Child’s Health), runs monthly.  Dr O’Keeffe is founder and CEO of Pediatrics Now: www.pediatricsnow.comand she is Editor-in-Chief for the American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Communication and Media: http://aap.org/councils/media . She can be reached at ideas@pediatricsnow.com