The Mom Behind "I Brake For Meltdowns"

By Heather Kempskie

Meet local mom Michelle Nicholasen who is the co-author behind "I Brake for Meltdowns: How to Handle the Most Exasperating Behavior of Your to 2 - to 5-year old.

If one of the first lines in this book doesn’t grab you, we don’t know what will. “I think it’s accurate to say that small children sometimes behave as if they are, in fact, crazy.” Local moms and authors Michelle Nicholasen and Barbara O’Neal deliver honest, humorous and practical advice on “managing 2 to 5 year old children in a dignified, respectful way based on the behavior that is driving you bonkers!” We especially love the advice for dealing with chronic whiners or handling public meltdowns. ($14.95, Da Capo Books)

Here she answered some of our burning questions:

Parents and Kids: As you know from our review of "I Brake for Meltdowns: How to handle the most exasperating behavior of your 2- to 5-year old." in the August issue of P&K, we love the book! You have five young children, so we're guessing you wrote most of the material from your own experiences. Tell us how you and your co-author Barbara O'Neal were able to compile such great, practical advice.

Nicholasen: Raising five little kids with really different personalities, I was constantly surprised by all the absurd situations I found myself in. Who had the toy first? (How am I supposed to know?) Why do you hate hot dogs today when you loved them last week? What should I do about the third bite mark in three days? How can I keep one high-energy child from keeping her sib awake at night? As a way of distancing myself from my own frustration, I started writing down all of these situations and later consulting with Barbara O’Neal to figure out howI should respond? in a way that is effective but not overly punitive. I was not finding the answers in the parenting books out there, because they never told me what to do if the advice didn’t work. (As a result, we discuss a lot of “What if” scenarios in our book.) I also got a hold of as many good quality studies as I could find, about co-sleeping, preschooler conflicts, behavior disorders, etc. It comes down to one thing we all know: little kids don’t always act sensible or rational from one moment to the next. And how a parent responds to those times makes a big difference as to weather a compromise or a tantrum ensues. (And of course, in spite of our best efforts, the tantrum might happen anyway.)
 

Here’s the thing about my co-author, Barbara O’Neal: she has seen it all, and always knows the best ways of talking to kids. Every time I listened to her at preschool, I wondered, Why didn’t I think of that? A great privilege of writing this book with her was that I got a chance to document some of the wonderful language she uses with kids: respectful, understanding, yet right to the point. She’s a wonderful educator, not only of kids, but parents, too. Still working as Educational Director of the Arlington Children’s Center after 30 years, you can’t doubt that she loves her job.

Parents and Kids:  I have a 3 year old and a 5 year old and have already implemented some of your advice especially on how to deal with a child who refuses to go to bed. What is it about this age group that makes them so special...and um...challenging?

Nicholasen: Kids at this age are emerging from toddlerhood, trying to become independent, but still regressing all the time. They think that they can do everything and be in control, but they are not emotionally ready to handle all the responsibility. Sure, you want to give them lots of chances to feel in control and free, but we also need to set boundaries—like bedtime! Some parents talk a lot and try to reason with their young children, but emotionally they can’t get it all. 
 

(The other thing you probably already thought about, Heather, is that naps might be interfering with a child getting tired at night.)
 

Parents and Kids: During your research for this book, what was the most common complaint/frustration expressed by parents when it comes to their little ones?

Nicholasen: The unpredictability of their young ones. One minute they’re angels, one minute devils. One minute they want to snuggle, and the next they order you out of their room. You never quite know how much to say, when to take charge, and when not to. 
 

The other issue was dawdling. It’s so exasperating. Parents wonder, will I always have to ask my child to do something ten times? You can do that, but it’s tiring. And I love this scenario: You gear up the car, and the whole family is ready to leave when your child starts a brand new project--even though she’s the last one in the house! Kids’ attention spans are growing stronger in this age group and they don’t want to break their focus. It’s a good thing, of course, except when you really need to go. The best strategy is to give a couple of warnings, set the timer if you have to, and make like you’re going out the door. If this doesn’t get your child’s attention, tell her you will carry her out or she can walk. Then do it. Don’t talk back to the protesting. Just say “Uh, huh. I understand.”

Parents and Kids:  What is the best thing you can do while your child is having a meltdown?

Nicholasen: The best thing to do during a full-out tantrum is to act calm, cool and Zen. Parents have to be actors all the time, and staying cool is something you can learn by practicing. Tell yourself, this is her tantrum, not mine. Scoop her up and take her to a safe place where she can have the tantrum. Stay close by, but don’t talk. Wait until the storm passes. Don’t lavish with hugs, just offer a drink of water and carry on with what you were doing.

Parents and Kids: What is the worst thing you can do?

Nicholasen: The worst thing you can do is yell at your child to stop. Your anger will inflame his anger, and all of a sudden you’ll have two tantrums going on instead of one. If your child is incoherent, no amount of deals, threats, or bribes will calm him down. The second worst thing you can do is give in to a boundary that has been firmly established. If you explain to your child that you are not buying M&Ms at the grocery store, then when he hounds you for it later, you must not give in. Re-direct and distract to diffuse his demand, and take him outside for a while if he falls apart.

Photo credit: 2 Mamas Photography