Picket Fence Post

My fifth graders are going to start middle school this fall and, because they’re my oldest kiddos, I attended a recent principal’s coffee where parents of incoming sixth graders were given a tour of the middle school and a primer about middle school life.

Among the handouts parents were given was a pamphlet that provided moms and dads with advice on how to help make our child’s academic experience in middle school a positive one.

So where’s the “Friday Funny” in this, you may be asking. It was in the pamphlet’s seventh tip: “Encourage your child to keep his/her locker tidy — feel free to come in after school with your child to clean out unwanted items.”

This is one step removed from this kind of helicopter parenting advice: “Please meet your child in the cafeteria at his/her designated lunch time in order to properly cut the child’s foods into bite-sized pieces so the student does not choke. In the event of choking, you should be pre-certified in the Heimlich Maneuver and execute the maneuver if given permission by the lunch room monitor to do so. Your certificate must be on file in the office before entering the cafeteria.”

Actually, that one about cutting up a kid’s food and being certified in the Heimlich Maneuver was not included among the tips, but seriously, asking parents to clean out their kid’s locker is ridiculous.

When I posted this on my Facebook page, I was delighted to read some of the responses from my friends:

“Just bring a scraper, some diluted hydrochloric acid and proper protective gear. And proper containment apparatus,” one wrote.

Another added, “And a wheelbarrow for all the papers not brought home.”

A current college student who attends the university where I used to teach, provided the most salient response when he wrote, “If my mom came to school to clean out my locker it would have probably taken until college for me to forgive her.”

Image credit: School Outfitters.

Item #1: Forgetful Mamas

It’s not even the insanely busy spring yet — the time when we’re overloaded with school projects, school events, national holidays, Little League & spring soccer games/practices — and I’ve still been forgetting stuff like sending my kid to school with lunch money, birthday parties, etc. So, when I was trying to get the Picket Fence Post family’s schedule into some semblance of order last week, I felt a bit better about my slacker-ness when I witnessed moms on TV shows being overwhelmed and forgetful too.

I dedicated my Mommy Tracked column this week to this topic, saying that:, “. . . [T]he depiction of two fictional moms on TV this past week screwing up in big ways when it came to their family’s schedules made me realize that, if moms feeling overwhelmed by the weird administrative complexity of contemporary child-rearing is now a punch line on TV shows, I can’t be the only one who’s feeling burned out.”

At least I haven’t forgotten my kids’ birthdays. Yet.

Do you find yourself forgetting stuff, repeatedly, despite your best efforts to get organized?

Item #2: Dysfunctional TV Families

I’ve been going on and on about how much I adore the ABC comedy Modern Family and how much hope I have for NBC’s brand, spankin’ new dramedy Parenthood. Well, the Boston Globe’s Don Aucoin mentioned those two shows when he wrote about a trend in family-centric TV shows as of late: A lack of parental authority.

In his piece, “Dysfunction Junction: Who’s the boss? TV parents these days are often as adolescent as their children,” he asserted that today’s TV parents aren’t as stable and authoritative as TV parents of years past, like on The Cosby Show. He quoted a woman who writes about media and parenting issues as saying: “Bill Cosby was hysterically funny, and yet when push came to shove on The Cosby Show, there was no question that he and his wife were the authority figures, no question that ‘We’re the parents here, we’re here to take care of you, we’re not your friends.’ We lost something there and it’s time to get it back. A better sense of parents not so much as dominant authorities but as parents.”

While I agree that we’ve lost an overall sense of authority over today’s kids, I think the TV shows are simply reflecting today’s reality.  (Ever try to lightly reprimand/correct the behavior of  a kid who’s not yours? Be prepared for pediatric snark and smirks.) If you’re going to complain that TV parents are acting too much like kids, we need to start with the actual parents they’re depicting.

Item #3: Boston Baby & Family Expo

Mark your calendars New Englanders: Next Saturday — that’s March 20 — I’ll be appearing at the Baby & Family Expo at the Bayside Expo Center to tell parents that, while they’ll see lots of products and get lots of parenting advice at the Expo, the most important thing they need to keep in mind is this: If you don’t keep your sense of humor about this child-rearing adventure, you’ll go nuts.

At 10:30 a.m., I’m slated to give a talk/book reading called, “How to Keep Your Sense of Humor (Believe us, you’ll need it!)” where I’ll give expectant and current parents a humorous pep talk and read some of the more embarrassing columns from my parenting/humor book Suburban Mom: Notes from the Asylum. People who attend the talk will not only get a signed copy of the book, but they’ll get the added bonus of meeting “The Girl,” (otherwise known as my daughter) who’ll be helping me out at the Expo.

In addition, my Parents & Kids Magazine editor Heather Kempskie and her twin sister Lisa Hanson, authors of The Siblings Busy Book, will be giving pointers at 1:30 p.m. about activities you can do when you have children of different ages.

If you’re heading to the Expo on Sunday, March 21, you’ll get a chance to meet my buddies, the podcasting divas that are the Manic Mommies,  Erin and Kristin who’ll be taping their show at 1 p.m.

Here’s the link for more info. Hope to see you there.

Image credit: Baby & Family Expo.

Okay, I know, I know, I’ve been woefully negligent when it’s come to updating The Paper Project numbers.

The Paper Project, for those of you who may have forgotten, is my attempt to quantify the amount of paper that my three kiddos (a boy in third grade and boy-girl twin fifth graders) bring home during a school year.

Given that I oftentimes feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of requests, projects and paper that come home from school, sometimes without warning – The Youngest Boy just brought home a plastic jug which we’re supposed to fill with items so he can bring it back to school for his class to estimate the number of items inside — I figured that by putting a number on the paper blizzard I could at least place that overwhelming-ness into a context.

I just poured through the paper that was brought home during the second and fourth weeks of February — minus the winter vacation week and a snow day — plus the first week of March. Among the papers were: Four announcements for a fundraising event at my older kids’ school, a flyer telling us about a day when we’re supposed to be “unscheduled,” 35 math work sheets/word problems, 44 papers worksheets/assignments involving spelling/grammar/reading and a beautiful landscape art project my 8-year-old created. (It’s quite lovely.)

The total number of pieces of paper that came home during that time was: 147.

That brings the grand total of pieces of paper brought home this school year to: 1,407.

Item #1: The Chew Monster (Otherwise Known as the Puppy)

Max, our mini-Wheat puppy, is smack dab in the middle of a rather nasty chewing phase and has been grabbing at anything within his reach and shredding it. Anything. Lego pieces. Pencils. Trash. Tissue boxes. Magazines. Soda cans. Shoes. You get the picture. Combine Max’s propensity for gnawing with the Picket Fence Post kids’ tendency to leave items lying haphazardly around the house and you’ve got the ingredients for my latest GateHouse News Service column.

Item #2: Co-Ed Sleepovers . . . Are They Nuts?

When I saw a Tweet this week from a Boston-based Fox TV journalist promoting her segment about teen co-ed slumber parties, she asked people thought about the notion. My immediate response was decidedly thumbs down. Putting hormonal kids together, with soft bedding, in the dark where parents will be absent for long stretches of time including in the middle of the night and a developmental lack of impulse control (plus teens’ brains aren’t fully developed) is patently crazy. Then I watched Sara Underwood’s piece on local TV and it only confirmed my initial thoughts. Please, tell me what you think about this trend.

Item #3: Pajama Diaries

So. Very. True.

Item #4: Modern ‘Like’ Family

Freshman ABC comedy Modern Family was unbelievably fabulous this week. It provided me with ample laughs just when I needed them. (You can watch the latest episode “Fears” for free at the ABC web site.) But the part that really had me rolling — aside from seeing the adorable Manny in his classic fisherman’s cap (I just want to hug that little guy) – was the scene where Claire Dunphy was driving her teenaged Haley and her friend around and could not, not for one more second, tolerate listening to her daughter continually and nonsensically invoke the word “like.”

Here’s what Haley said to her friend: “And then I’m like, ‘There’s no way I’m wearing that.’ And she was like, ‘Well if you don’t wear it then you can’t play.’ And then I was like, ‘Well, that’s fine by me.’ And then she was like . . .”

By this time, Claire, who’d been rolling her eyes as she listened to this, snarkily said the word “like” over her daughter’s conversation four times until her daughter objected. “Stop saying, ‘like!’” Claire shouted.

“Don’t embarass me!” the daughter shouted back.

“Ahhhhhh!” Claire shrieked as she gripped the steering wheel and violently shook her head.

This exact scenario – with slightly different wording and sans the guttural yell – occurred between my mother and me while she was driving me and a friend around when I was but a teenaged gal. I have a vivid memory of having what I saw as a perfectly pleasant conversation with my friend only to have my mother, seemingly out of nowhere, shout, “Meredith! Stop saying, ‘like!’”

I’m busily trying to stomp that tendency out of my own children before they become teens. I’m tryin’.

Image credit: Pajama Diaries via the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.

In between enjoying fun and inspiring Olympic moments with the Picket Fence Post family during the past two weeks, I’ve felt emotionally beseiged (or manipulated I should say) by the commercials. What was there an armada of Don Drapers working overtime on ads for the Olympics?

You know the ads of which I speak. Those three-hankie ones. The ones that made you tear up in the first frame because you knew what was coming next.

Procter & Gamble is largely responsible for all of this, with its line of “Thank You Mom” ads made just for the Olympics. Nearly every one of them got to me, mostly the one below, because it uses footage from real mothers whose adult children competed in the 2010 winter Olympics. Loved the last mom mouthing the words, “That’s my baby!”

Then there was this ad, where women watched their children compete in the Olympics, only the athletes aren’t adults, they’re little children:

The only P&G-mom ad that I saw which leavened the tears with humor was this “Never Walk Alone” ad where moms were depicted in various points of motherhood: Holding a newborn in the delivery room, vacuuming the living room with a baby on a hip, changing a flat tire with the kids on the side of the road, dragging a kid’s hockey stuff out of the house in the dead of winter, picking a kid up from the principal’s office. However whenever I think about the Canadian figure skater whose biggest fan, her mother, died a few days before she was set to take the ice and then watched this ad . . .

Finally, here’s the last of the insidiously moving TV advertisements that I saw during the Olympics, the retooled ad for Coke with that haunting Sia song playing in the background:

Did you find yourself riveted to these ads too?

Item #1: Penn. School-Issued Laptops Used to Spy?

The family of a 15-year-old high school student in a suburb of Philadelphia is suing his school district, accusing officials of using school-issued laptops, equipped with web cameras, to spy on students in their homes, according to the Philadelphia Inquirer.

An excerpt from the the news story about the lawsuit said:

“In a lawsuit filed [last week] in federal court, the family said the school’s assistant principal had confronted their son, told him he had ‘engaged in improper behavior in [his] home, and cited as evidence a photograph from the webcam embedded in [his] personal laptop issued by the school district.’

The suit contends the Lower Merion School District, one of the most prosperous and highest-achieving in the state, had the ability to turn on students’ webcams and illegally invade their privacy.

. . . Families in the 6,900-student district reacted with shock. Parent Candace Chacona said she was ‘flabbergasted’ by the allegations. ‘My first thought was that my daughter has her computer open almost around the clock in her bedroom. Had she been spied on?’”

While school officials claimed that the remotely activated webcam feature was used as a security measure if the laptops were reported stolen — an application they say was used 42 times this school year – they aren’t saying much more about the controversy, particularly because a federal judge has told them that they need to get legal permission to do so first, citing the pending civil case.  The Inquirer reported that federal prosecutors have also issued a subpoena for all school records related to this program and a criminal probe is ongoing. It’s not publicly known how many images were taken by the remote cameras.

When I read about this case my jaw dropped. How in the world, if what the plaintiffs say is true, would anyone, could anyone, think it’s okay for a governmental institution to surveil someone in his or her home without his or her permission and without a court order? It boggles my mind. Beware of school districts offering “free” laptops.

(more…)

While The Youngest Boy was eating breakfast this morning and I was enjoying my second cup of java, we heard a news report that the disgruntled silver medaling Russian men’s figure skater has decided that since he didn’t win a gold medal in Vancouver (U.S. men’s skater, Evan Lysacek, did), he’s awarded himself a platinum medal for his Olympic work in Canada over the past week.

Platinum.

On his web site, Evgeni Plushenko lists the three Olympic medals he’s won to date. The first is a silver medal from the Salt Lake City Olympics. The second is a gold from Torino. The third is a “platinum” from Vancouver. However, to be quite honest, he won silver medal in Vancouver. They don’t *cough* give out platinum medals, Mr. Plushenko.

It was crystal clear, even to my 8-year-old that Plushenko — who’s been loudly and bitterly complaining that he was robbed of the gold and that because he can do a quad jump he should be named king (his prime minister backs him up on all but the king part) — is behaving badly and like a poor sport in the extreme.

Here’s what The Youngest Boy said after we saw the news report:

“What’s he gonna do, go in his front yard and have a podium thing there and say, ‘And the platinum medal goes to. . .’ then he throws it up in the air and catches it and says, ‘me!’?”

Precisely.

Image credit: HuffingtonPost.

Item #1: Obama’s Sweet Parental Leave Policy

While most parents I know who try to simultaneously work and raise kids — or juggle the needs of multiple kids at the same time — struggle to make an appearance at every kid-centric event their children have, I found myself feeling envious of President Obama’s ability to put everything aside, including budget talks and national security, in order to attend one of his kids’ events.

In a recent New York Times piece entitled, “He Breaks for Band Recitals,” a senior advisor to the president told the paper: “There are certain things that are sacrosanct on his schedule — the kids’ recitals, soccer games, basketball games, school meetings. These are circled in red on his calendar, and regardless of what’s going on he’s going to make those. I think that’s part of how he sustains himself through all this.”

I think I need a presidential advisor handling my schedule.

Item#2: Seinfeld on the Poison ‘P’s’

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, the father of three kids (ages 4, 6 and 9) told Parade Magazine recently that he’s figured out what’s wrong with today’s kids, something he calls, “The Poison P’s.”

Praise: “We tell our kids, ‘Great job!’ too much.”

Problem-solving: “We refuse to let our children have problems. Problem-solving is the most important skill to develop for success in life, and we for some reason can’t stand it if our kids have a situation that they need to ‘fix.’ Let them struggle. It’s a gift.”

Pleasure: As in, “giving your child too much pleasure.” Seinfeld said that because parents believe that today’s children aren’t as innocent as we used to be when we were young, “We feel so guilty for destroying that innocence — which is what we did — so we’re now trying to repair that by creating perfect childhoods for our children.”

Betcha his kids would reply with a nice, “Yadda, yadda, yadda.”

Item #3: Bullies in the Bull’s-Eye

Remember that horrific story a few weeks ago about the bullies in the Massachusetts town of South Hadley, who, according to news reports, drove a 15-year-old girl to commit suicide? Well the school superintendent has announced that the students involved in harassing the girl have faced disciplinary action and may also face criminal charges, according to Fox and the Boston Herald.  

In the meantime, the issue of students harassing other students in school to the point where the victims are fearful and can’t focus on their lessons, has become a hot button issue. Even Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick who, while relating his own personal experience with being the victim of harassment from fellow students when he was a child, said that harassers should be held accountable.

“Whatever we can do to create a safe environment for kids, that’s what we should do,” Patrick said, according to the Boston Herald. “If we can give teachers and administrators some extra tools, we should do that, and do it swiftly . . . Parents have to take responsibility, especially ones who are themselves parents of bullies. There is nothing in the [pending anti-bullying legislation] that absolves adults from their responsibility to teach kids how to behave respectfully.”

He said he was contacted by a 9-year-old boy from a Massachusetts school who needed help in dealing with kids harassing him and when Patrick met with the boy, the child appeared frightened. The governor said he went on the school’s intercom and told the students that there was to be no bullying at the school and that if there was, he’d have to return and deal with it personally.

Item #4: Trending Toward More Chores? I’m Skeptical.

On Valentine’s Day, the Boston Globe ran a story which claimed that a “modern trend” has been evolving where today’s parents are making their kids do more chores, like we all used to do back in the day, otherwise known as the Stone Age. Citing research from a Wellesley College sociology professor, the article said that parents have been “reasserting” the importance of chores in the past 15 years.

I don’t buy it. Not that we here in the Picket Fence Post household don’t make our children do chores — we do — it’s just that I find it hard to believe that many other parents are doing the same thing. I’d be shocked if even half of today’s kids have to do regular chores.

What do you think? How prevalent do you think chores are today?

Image credit: Kevin Lamarque/Reuters via the NYT.

Scene: My kitchen where I’m making dinner. The 8-year-old boy suddenly appears, having just left the basement playroom where the kids were hanging out and listening to a top 40/pop radio station which I suspect has some sort of mind control over them as they’re obsessed with it and want to listen to it all the time.

Kid: Mom, what’s a disco stick?

Me: A what?

Kid: A disco stick. We were listening to a song on the radio . . .

Me: By Lady Gaga?

Kid: Yeah. And she says, “I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.”

Me: (*head imploding, trying to think up something misleading, quickly*)

Kid: Do you know what it is? A disco stick?

Me: (*thinking that lying is the way to go*) I have no idea. That Lady Gaga’s crazy, isn’t she?

****

We were all watching the Winter Olympics as a family last night and, after witnessing a few brutal wipe-outs during the women’s downhill racing event — in particular, the crash where an athlete’s body, while careening out of control down the mountain, went up a mogul and then, after flying through the air, slammed into the ground — my 11-year-old daughter ran out of the room in tears wondering why on earth anyone would willingly participate in such a sport, especially in light of the luger’s death last week. She had trouble falling asleep because she kept replaying the crash footage in her head over and over. I had to try to take her mind off of the crashes as she fell asleep . . . but not by providing the definition of “disco stick.”

However their experience watching the Olympics hasn’t been all bad. Yesterday afternoon, I’m lucky we didn’t have a wipe-out situation of our own. After-the-fact, the Picket Fence Post children informed me that they had attempted to reenact an Olympic snow boarding event. They’d donned their bike helmets, climbed atop a small snow-covered hill in our yard, then stood on the rickety wooden sled as they slid down. (I got conflicting reports on how fast their descent was.) When I responded loudly with, “You did WHAT?” they tried to distract and impress me with the news that, before they “snowboarded,” they’d taken some tall dry weeds from the woods and pretended they were the Olympic flame and ”lit” a pretend Olympic cauldron. I have no idea what was the stand-in for the cauldron. Thank God that’s as far as they went with the flame reenactment.

****

Other than attempting to impersonate Shaun White, the kids have also used their vacation time to – and I’m not kidding here — reorganize their playroom. No, I didn’t bribe them to do this. It was wholly their idea.

Normally, I’m fond of likening the room in the basement — with the half-peeled jungle/animal border, the crayon scrawled on the walls next to the holes caused by a wooden wagon and various balls being smashed into them — to a bad neighborhood, the kind of neighborhood you realize is kinda sketchy only after you’ve taken a wrong turn in an unfamiliar city.

However, the kids did an admirable job of neatening it up. They set up ”sofas” (pillows from the various sofas in the house, blankets they pilfered from bedrooms), a music listening area (so they can listen to that station that’s teaching them about “disco sticks”) and a makeshift library where they created a bookcase from cardboard boxes and duct tape and filled them with paperback books, a hardcover copy of the 2009 Guinness World Records and an assortment of sports trading cards. They created and posted on the wall a list of nine ”rules” for the room that visitors have to agree to abide by, along with an oath that visitors must sign. Among the rules were:

1) When coming downstairs, never touch the bottom step.

2) Do not ever stand on furniture.

5) Owner of drum set must be watching you if you play the drums.

No word on whether playroom visitors are required to sing along with Lady Gaga tunes, however you DO have to have a high tolerance for KISS 108.

Image credit: Getty via Gawker.

And I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. “My head would explode if I gave up shouting for 40 days,” I told them today as I was driving the Picket Fence Post kids to the grocery store with me.

“You couldn’t do it,” The Youngest Boy said as he too chortled at the notion.

“I think I’d melt by day 20,” I agreed.

Instead, we agreed that I’d try to refrain from using bad words during the duration of the Lenten season, the 40 days leading up to Easter. When I’m in front of the kids I try, really hard, not to swear. But I’m not perfect. The ”s” word slips out of my mouth from time to time when I drop stuff or make a mistake. When I substitute “damn” or “crap,” they raise their eyebrows as well because I’ve told them those are bad words not to be used by kids. (For the record, I apologize when I slip up.) 

I think I’ll do what I did last year to incentivize myself to curtail my invocation of naughty words by putting a quarter in a jar each time I mess up, even outside of my kids’ presence. However it doesn’t always work. On one particularly bad work day last spring when the kids were at school, I put a $5 in the jar.

I’ve asked the kids to think about what they’d give up or what positive things they’d do during Lent. They’ve got until dinner tonight to come up with some good ideas, but having Mom cease with the shouting, ain’t happenin’ my pretties. No. Way.