Picket Fence Post

You may know Christie Mellor from her Three Martini Playdate books which lampoon today’s parenting trends. Now, the humorist takes on not the grade school set, but twentysomethings (who need a little direction in their lives) in her new book Were You Raised by Wolves?: Clues to the Mysteries of Adulthood. Mellor fielded some questions from your intrepid Picket Fence Post scribe:

Meredith O’Brien, Picket Fence Post: Your two previous tongue-in-cheek Three Martini Playdate books urged parents to raise their children to become civilized, well-rounded adults and to conduct that child rearing in a way in which parents actually get to enjoy being adults and not simply serve as their kids’ executive secretaries and all-purpose servants.

Were You Raised by Wolves? aims to tell young adults — whose parents couldn’t benefit from your Three Martini sage advice in time for their kids — how to be civilized, well-rounded adults. Why did you decide to write this and how do you think college grads will respond to such counsel?

Christie Mellor, author of Were You Raised by Wolves?: It started as a nugget of a suggestion from my publisher — but I had been taking notes for a while on the very topic, I just didn’t realize that I’d already started the book in my head. I wanted to put the fun back into being a grown-up. I remember when I was a kid, being a grown-up seemed all cool and mysterious and fabulous. So I wanted to put the fabulousness back into it, but with some gentle suggestions on behavior and etiquette, to fill in the gaps that may have been left by an overly supervised upbringing.

As far as the twentysomethings responding, well, I’m hoping that since I’m not their mother and I’m not being naggy, that they’ll have fun with it. And maybe they’ll want to pass the book around to people they know. They may not recognize themselves as needing any help, but they may recognize friends or coworkers. And of course, it’s always fun to laugh at friends and co-workers.

The hope is that through the humor, a seed will be planted. A very good and thoughtful friend wrote me this in an e-mail regarding my book which I really should have printed on the back cover:

“It really is a common sense manifesto for injecting a better theology and philosopher into the world (to borrow Ignacious J. Reilly’s refrain from “Confederacy of Dunces”) — which modern culture so desperately needs — using essential older world values in newer world togs, all with your unique and magical style. And never mind the adorable, original illustrations.”

Now isn’t that just the sweetest? I would like to think he’s right on target and that Were You Raised by Wolves? will catch on as an etiquette book, albeit a humorous, hip etiquette book, with recipes and hangover cures.

O’Brien: Your chapter titles and subtitles are hilarious. ‘Make Your Bed!’ ‘What is That Horrible Moldy Smell?’ ‘You, in the World, Not Being an Embarrassment.’ ‘Budgeting Your Life: Boring, But So Satisfying.’ Have newly-minted adults always been slobs and clueless when it comes to social etiquette, or is this a new phenomenon?

Mellor:I suppose it’s kind of a cliche that teenagers and young adults are generally slobs. I honestly don’t think all of them are, but I do think there are gaps in everyone’s basic knowledge, housekeeping included. And it may affect a much larger swathe of the population than you might think. Perhaps a certain number of kids have grown up with housekeepers or moms who took care of everything for them. Kids also have increasingly larger loads of homework and more and more after-school enrichment classes, organized sports, pressure to get serious about college by ninth grade. Making a bed, taking out the garbage and cleaning the toilet are all kind of mundane in the face of AP World History exams and Calculus Camp. But even with all that, there needs to be some balance. Kids still need to learn how to navigate the world.

O’Brien: When I read the chapter title, ‘If Your Mom Still Chews Your Food for You,’ along with the subtitle, ‘Your Very Caring Parents: Cutting Yourself Off Life Support,’ I was beginning to suspect — very strongly mind you — that you blame indulgent Baby Boomers for failing to teach their children the basics of life and for coddling them like helicopter parents who didn’t give them the tools to operate as independent adults. So, am I correct?

Mellor: Well, I have heard stories. I don’t know if I’d use the term “indulgent Baby Boomers” specifically. I mean, I’m a Baby Boomer and wouldn’t consider myself indulgent. And I know many younger parents — well out of the Baby Boomer demographic — who have no idea how to say, “No,” to their kids and coddle them like crazy.

I don’t know exactly how it started, but maybe about 15 years ago, parents started becoming seriously over-solicitous. And that trend appears to have spawned a whole bunch of kids who have been sent off to college having no idea how to clean a bathroom, save money or take a bus. I blame the ubiquitous “child-proofing.” For a start. Honestly! It has turned into a bazillion dollar industry. Parents now hire child-proofing companies to come out and do their entire house. They become convinced that danger lurks around every corner for their baby, and from there it takes off and grows exponentially as baby grows.

More and more parents seem to be just buying whatever hype the parenting industry is selling from the $900 stroller they must have, to the incessant enrichment classes and Baby Einstein tapes. The implication is, if you want what’s best for your child — if you’re a really good parent — you’ll do this for them. You’ll smooth every bump in the road and help them at every turn. But of course, they need to learn to solve their own problems at some point. They need to be self-sufficient, civilized and good-hearted humans. Humans who can host a nice dinner party and know how to behave in the workplace.

O’Brien: There’s some great, basic info in Wolves, everything from how to make a bed (you are at your Martha Stewart best in that section) and how to boil an egg, to how to break up with someone, how to budget and how to do the laundry, including ironing. In the midst of all of this practical life advice, you included the Bill of Rights. Why?

Mellor: Including the Bill of Rights seemed as natural as putting in my favorite recipe for roasted vegetables, or suggesting that people should turn off the water while they brush their teeth, or giving advice about what to do on New Year’s Eve, or throwing in tips on being a good listener. I guess I included it as a little reminder, in case the reader hasn’t read the Bill of Rights for a while. Like that First Amendment, that one is kind of important. Sometimes people forget that it’s one of the foundations of this country. And that fourth one, sort of being totally ignored lately, what with all that wiretapping going on. They’re really good, aren’t they? Actually I would have liked to include a little metal “Pocket Bill of Rights” like a friend of mine used to make — you can whip it out of your pocket when the metal detectors go off at the airport.

O’Brien: In the chapter on how to not be an embarrassment in the world you’ve got a section entitled, ‘Cell Phones: Just Stop It!’ You write:

“[W]hy does your phone look as if it’s been surgically attached to your head? Why, oh why are you on it every minute of the day? Are you, like, closing escrow on the Taj Mahal, or making some super-duper important, top-secret deal with the devil? Can’t the devil wait for you to get home? Must you be in constant contact with friends and associated while in transit?”

Have you had bad experiences with young cell phone users? What are the cell phone rules in your house for your kids?

Mellor:This could take up the entire interview. But for instance, driving. I mean, it’s not just the young people. Some of the most boneheaded moves I have ever seen on the road usually turn out to be made by someone on a cell phone.

A cell phone is a wonderful invention, and I appreciate the convenience it affords. I appreciate it often. Our 16-year-old — apparently the last teenager in Los Angeles without one — just got his first cell phone. There hadn’t been a real need before, but now I’m thankful that I can touch base with him as I get busier with work and he goes further afield. He’s lived with me long enough to know my feelings about using cell phones for lengthy chatting on the street and in restaurants.

I think I’ve pressed the point home pretty well about the rudeness factor, and I think he’s in agreement. And I make him pay for his own texting. Cell phones are a useful bit of technology, but I think people ought not to be on them constantly. Walk down the street and have a good look around. And get that thing out of your ear, I mean, dude, it looks seriously ridiculous.

Note: Both Mellor and I are contributing writers to the web site Mommy Track’d.

Image credit: Amazon.com