Picket Fence Post

A large article — accompanied by, count ‘em, three color photos — in the New York Times makes the argument that walking around with dramatically, noticeably chipped nail polish is now in. But only if you’re under 35 years old. And only if you’re wearing over-priced designer clothing and toting stupidly expensive purses which hold your now much-lighter wallet.

What reasons does one of the nation’s largest newspapers give for making this declaration?

“Over the last few years . . . having streaked, chipped or just plain grotty nail polish no longer suggests drug addiction, manual labor or pure laziness,” wrote Melena Ryzik. “Like untied high-tops, thread-worn jeans and bedhead, it’s now part of a deliberate look . . . It has been spotted uptown, in professional settings and gala parties, behind department store sales counters and even (gasp!) on beauty and fashion industry insiders.”

If letting your deep red nail polish chip to the point that it looks like you were splattered by blood is now chic — except for oldsters such as myself (the late 30+ crowd) — I’m throwing down the gauntlet. If the Times thinks it can declare something like this a bonafide fashion trend, then I, your intrepid blogger, have decided to jump into the deep end of the pool and declare some fashion trends of my own. . . starting with pony tails, sleekly done, 24/7. Not that pulling all your hair back into a pony tail says that you don’t care, it just tells the world that you have better things to do than spend 77 minutes on your hair every morning.

PJs at the school drop-off or school bus stop. Barely camouflaging your pajamas with a sweater or jacket and casually slipped-on sandals when seeing your children off to school indicates to the world that you were in bed too long.  What better way to get your neighbors to start wondering about whatever could have kept you in bed so late . . . other than garden variety sleep deprivation induced by living with small children.

Root beer or chocolate chip cookie dough lip balm as moisturizer. Who among us hasn’t used our children’s fun, flavorful lip balm on a dry patch or two? Why not make it a full-fledged trend and start regularly smoothing it on our elbows, knees and other parched areas so not only will they be soft and supple, but they’ll smell good too?

Sweat-stained Red Sox caps. This is where we separate the posers from the genuine items. The Johnny-come-latelies from true blue members of the Nation. Wear sweat-stained Boston Red Sox caps proudly and no one will call you a bandwagoneer who only jumped on the Red Sox train after they won the 2004 World Series. And when you get a new Sox cap, in order to stay true to this trend, immediately get it dirty. Stomp on it. Roll it in mulch. Run around the block while wearing the hat and 47 layers of clothing so you’ll really sweat, making your cap look good and lived in.

Tattoo your kids’ and significant other’s names on your toes. (Bonus points if you get the names tattooed in a foreign language.) Not only will this painful trend give you a certain edginess, but it’ll make you the talk of the playground and school drop-off lines, particularly if you show up in flip-flops and a kick-butt nightie loosely topped by a leather jacket.

Swear in front of your children. In public. When shocked parents shoot you deadly looks, tell them you’re just trying to give the children some street smarts and prepare them for the tough, real world. This will go over much better if you’re not only sporting chipped red nail polish, but if you’re also in a transparent nightie, at the bus stop, wearing a pony tail underneath your sweat-stained baseball cap and self-consciously adjust your slide sandals so as to show off your tatoos. Why not? Makes as much sense as intentionally chipped nail polish as a fashion statement.

Any fashion trends you’d like to start to give the New York Times a run for its money?

Image credit: New York Times.