Picket Fence Post

If you are the parent of a toddler — or know someone who is — Stefanie Wilder-Taylor is like a fun house mirror, reflecting back the insanity that is raising a toddler today. In her tongue-in-cheek book, Naptime is the New Happy Hour and Other Ways Toddlers Turn Your Life Upside Down, she chronicles through a series of essays, struggles such as setting up playdates, pre-school application mania and transitioning to a big kid bed. Wilder-Taylor recently fielded five of my questions about her new book:

Meredith O’Brien, Picket Fence Post: This book focuses exclusively on how to handle your child’s toddlerhood without losing your marbles. Do you think parenting a toddler is more difficult than parenting a baby, or just different?

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, Naptime is the New Happy Hour: That’s a good question. I thinking parenting your first baby is harder than handling a toddler. When you have your first child, you are a complete mess of hormones and confusion. When that child is a toddler, you know them better — their moods, idiosyncrasies, etc. so it’s easier to make them happy. On the other hand, when you have a new baby in the house, it’s tougher to deal with your toddler than the new baby because your toddler needs to be entertained while your baby just needs to eat and sleep. It sort of makes you look back and think, “Wow, I had it so good when I just had one baby and I didn’t even appreciate it!”

O’Brien: I got a huge laugh out of the chapter on scheduling playdates for your toddler and dealing with other mothers who aren’t necessarily compatible with you.

You wrote: “Having someone you genuinely get along with and can just ‘hang out’ with, comparing notes on post-baby sexual activity and bikini waxing while the kids play oh-so-happily, only happens in the best circumstances or when Supernanny’s Jo Frost is supervising. But still, to me, it’s more important to take pleasure in other parents’ company and share some similar parenting attitudes, because an afternoon with the wrong mom can feel like spending two hours on the StairMaster with the TV stuck on a George Lopez Show marathon.”

Have any of the moms with whom your daughter has had playdates taken umbrage at your characterization of playdates gone bad or at your parenting style? Do you think that it’s a good idea, before a playdate with a new kid, that you should test the mom’s reactions to certain things, like assessing her response to showing up with a bottle of Pinot Grigio, as you did?

Wilder-Taylor: After reading my book, one mom at my daughter’s pre-school worried that she was the type of mom I wrote about. In fact, she wasn’t at all. She was pretty cool and easy-going. The ones I’m talking about would never know it’s them. It’s sort of like how if you’re insane, you’re the last to know. It’s the sane people that worry they might be insane.

To answer the second part of this question, I do try to suss out the personality of a new mom playdate situation. Life is too short to spend even an afternoon with a boring or insanely uptight mom. I might try dropping the f-bomb when we’re alone and seeing if she makes a gas face or makes like a sailor herself. Unfortunately, now that I’m back on a book deadline, my drinking in the afternoon days are over. The way I can tell a cool mom now is if she lets me drop my kid off at her house for a few hours to give me some time off.

O’Brien: Another essay, “The Littlest Dictator,” dealt with out-of-control, power-mad toddlers. You wrote: “Demanding, unreasonable toddlers could also be suffering from too-much-power syndrome. Too much power was not attractive on Mussolini and it’s even less attractive on your average toddler.”

Is it your experience that parents these days are giving their toddlers excessive amounts of control over their families’ lives, or is this just the case of a few toddlers you’ve encountered who remind you of Italian dictators?

Wilder-Taylor: It’s really just the case of a few I’ve witnessed. Before I was a parent, I was annoyed at people who let their kids run wild in restaurants, destroy their parents’ living rooms or scream for every toy in Target. Now that I have a child of my own, I find it EVEN MORE ANNOYING. That shit needs to be nipped in the bud or you have no one to blame but yourself.

Yes, toddlers are hard work and they do make noises and messes. And if it’s not hurting anyone — fine. But when your child clears a room with the shrill sounds of their screams, you’re not saying, “No” enough. I probably err on the side of being too lenient with my daughter but she knows how far she can push me and when she needs to behave. In the short run, it’s easier to just let your kids do what they want and not have an argument about everything. But in the long run, you will have fewer arguments later if you lay the ground rules upfront. Of course there will still be times when kids are going to be crazy, emotional and impulsive and I think we just have to understand that. After all, my husband puts up with it in me.

O’Brien: You wrote about potty training, toddler TV, transitioning to a big kid bed and the fact that toddlers’ foreheads sustain so many bumps that they resemble relief maps. But a common theme throughout the book was one related to power struggles, which kind of relates to the previous question.

Much of today’s parenting literature urges us to provide little people with choices, even if it’s the illusion of choice, and that the toddlers will listen to your rational explanations if you talk slowly and calmly .Then I dealt with my kids, who, apparently, don’t care a whit what the experts say because the illusion of choices and rational conversation never worked with them. When you wrote about struggling with a toddler over eating, you said, “What I don’t think is normal or healthy is the insane power struggles that erupt over a kid who won’t eat his veggies. As much as you’d like to, you can’t control it.”

How can parents avoid creating little dictators who think they run the house while, at the same time, simply pick their battles?

Wilder-Taylor: I think it’s about battling only over what matters. For instance, my daughter is in a phase where she wants to wear a pink tank top everyday. It doesn’t matter if I say, “Sweetie, would you like to wear your purple shirt or your blue shirt today?” She doesn’t want to wear a purple shirt or a blue shirt. She wants to wear a pink tank top and if she can’t wear one, there will be tears. I could choose to spend an hour exerting my power or reading books about negotiating with my toddler OR I could keep a supply of cheap pink tank tops. See? On the other hand, if it’s a safety issue or a general lack of respect (hitting, yelling at me, hurting someone, etc.) I have to lay down the law. But those issues come up a lot less often than the more mundane, “Can I have a cookie before dinner.” Um, yes. Sometimes saying, “Yes” to a toddler feels so good!

Also, I try when I can, to look at the world through their eyes. I wouldn’t like it if my every move was dictated to me by my parent. You are thirsty, you have to ask someone for juice. You’re hungry, you have to ask in a nice voice for a snack. It must be tiring to be three. If I feel like having a cup of coffee, I just have one. So, I try to be accommodating as much as I can. I do think that respect is mutual. And my daughter is pretty darn cute and well deserving of my respect. Most of the time.

O’Brien: Last question. Pre-schools. Sign-ups while child is in utero, lest you condemn the child to a lifetime of asking, “Would you like fries with that?” What advice would you give to parents of toddlers who worry and fret about choosing the “right” pre-school?

Wilder-Taylor: My advice would be to get a hobby — and that hobby should not be visiting pre-schools day and night. Ask yourself this question, “Do I want my child to have fun and learn about things like trees and weather and socializing in a non-pressurized environment? Or do I kill their spirit and completely ruin their childhood in the process?” Then, if you answered, “Yes” to the first question, find a developmental pre-school where you like the teachers and feel comfortable leaving your child. If you answered, “Yes” to the second question . . . go with an academic pre-school and good luck with that.

Image credit: Simon & Schuster.