Picket Fence Post

For the past few years I’ve addressed the issue of holiday stress – particularly when you gather multiple generations together for a high-pressure holiday dinner — by creating Dysfunctional Family Bingo cards. I take awkward-but-realistic scenarios that might occur during (before or after) your family’s Thanksgiving dinner and place each one into a box on a BINGO card and pray that no one checks off enough boxes to actually win.

In some twisted way, writing up all of these scenarios amuses me and serves as a reminder that EVERYONE experiences a bit of familial dysfunction during holiday dinners so we may as well just find the humor in them. (For the full history of Dysfunctional Family Bingo, go here.)

What kinds of scenarios am I talking about? For the past couple years, I’ve used a few of my own holiday dinner experiences (though there’s no way I’m ‘fessing up which ones are autobiographical) as well as some which my friends have shared with me in order to fill out each box on the Bingo card. Here are a few from my 2008 Dysfunctional Family Bingo card:

– Some older children at the gathering taught your impressionable young child how to spit, the glory of purple nurples and new vocabulary words like the “F” word.

– Your mother suggests that you join her in starting a diet in the new year, noting that your pants are getting “a bit snug” and asks you if you’ve ever heard of the term “muffin top.”

– It gets heated when several members of the family cannot agree on the best, fastest route to take from this location to the mall.

– A male relative drags you outside and points out everything that’s wrong with your house, from the roof and gutters, to the window screens and the chimney.

– Maxi pads, whose box you had tucked away in a bathroom cabinet, were taken out by a young nephew who decided to remove the paper strips on the back and stick them all over the bathroom wall in a random pattern.

This year, I’m going to ask you, my smart and witty Picket Fence Post readers, to please contribute YOUR OWN oddball/dysfunctional family holiday dinner scenarios which could happen (or have happened) during the celebration of Thanksgiving. I’ll use reader suggestions along with my own to create my 2009 Dysfunctional Family Bingo card. Please e-mail me your contribution (everybody’s got at least one amusing scenario) — to meredithobrien@hotmail.com — no later than noon on Monday, November 23.

 The best four contributions (as determined by me) will earn their creators an autographed and personalized copy of my collection of humor/parenting columns, Suburban Mom: Notes from the Asylum, where the motto is, “Parenting is best done with a hearty sense of humor.”  Looking forward to reading your e-mails!

Image credit: AP.

 Given how much I want to cling to autumn and keep winter and The Holidays at bay for the moment (see previous “Three for Thursday” post), I decided to post a few more photos from our family’s apple picking foray last weekend in Berlin, MA.

Still haven’t made that apple pie yet that I promised the kids. Bad Mommy.

I spend a lot of time complaining on this blog. In earnest.

Thus, as I prepare to attempt the Herculean task that is packing the family’s stuff up for a Cape Cod vacation, I’ve decided to be optimistic in the hopes that my hyper, over-caffeinated mania — which has descended upon me like a storm cloud this past week as I tried to attend to all of my work commitments – would fade and a peaceful, Zen-like calm would sweep over me. So, in the name of naive optimism, here’s a list of my favorite things about summer (leaving my gripes about vicious mosquitoes, youth sports practices encroaching on summer and high gas prices off the list):

1. Lighter Laundry Load. The laundry is easier to wash in the summer – beach towels notwithstanding – because the kids are wearing T-shirts and shorts, meaning more of them can be cleaned in fewer loads.

2. The Smell of Sunscreen. Makes me think of the beach. And I love the beach.

3. Fresh Fruit. The abundance of sweet blueberries, strawberries, nectarines, plums and peaches puts the bitter winter fruit to shame. Plus fresh fruit makes for an easy snack for the kids to get for themselves while I’m toiling away at the computer.

4. Swimming. No matter how maddening the day — balancing deadlines and refereeing sibling spats before they spiral downward into bloodbaths – the moment I hop into the pool, the frustration literally washes away. (It quickly returns by the time we get back to the house, but we’re trying to be positive here!)

5. No School Projects. No scrambling, no last-minute errand running, no nagging worry that you’ve forgotten to remind your kid to study her spelling words and get all of your kids going on their science projects.

6. Powdered Lemonade Mixes. They’re cheap (yeah, they contain sugar, but it’s summertime, so get over yourself). They come in ginormous cans. Plus the kids can mix it up themselves, if you overlook the granules of lemonade mix all over the kitchen.

7. Eating Outside. If you eat out of doors before the evil mosquitoes descend and carry away your youngest child, the inevitable spills and dropped food that accompany any meal with young children won’t tick you off.

8. VACATION! Speaking of vacation . . . I’m going to be bold and take a Picket Fence Post blogging break for a whole week. I’ll be back in the first full week of August to regale you all with all manner fanciful tales of the modern family’s summer vacation, so don’t forget to check in here. In the meantime, watch (or set your DVR for) Mad Men on AMC, second season premieres on Sundays at 10 p.m. Trust me, you won’t be sorry.

The Picket Fence Post.

The name evokes visions of a freshly baked apple pie cooling on a kitchen window sill, a tree swing in the back yard and the good-natured family Labrador fetching crisp, green tennis balls while children happily and cooperatively play in the nearest oak tree . . . all occurring behind the safe confines of a perfect white picket fence.

Then there’s real life. A distinctively imperfect life. Like mine.

Instead of a freshly baked pie gracing my kitchen window sill (you’re more likely to find a store-bought anything in my house), there are three children’s classroom “project” plants barely clinging to life, mostly possessing fairly crunchy leaves. (I think my eldest son’s bean plant tried to put itself out of its misery the other day by casting itself off the sill and into the sink filled with dirty dishes. Either that, or our ancient cat tried to eat the plant, but then realized this was a bad move. Better to scavenge something from the dirty dishes instead.) (more…)