Picket Fence Post

A U.S. intelligence officer and terrorism expert with decades of experience, Gina M. Bennett, a mom of five, wants us to think of national security, terrorism and foreign policy issues in an entirely different way, from the perspective of a mother who’s raising her children.

Teach your children that, at the end of the day, telling the truth is always better than lying. Stand up to bullies and don’t allow them to define who you are. Pick up your own messes. Choose your friends wisely. Always try to understand why your child’s doing something obnoxious/irresponsible/insane/irrational so that you can try to figure out a way to try to stop or dissuade her from doing that in the future.

Bennett’s book, National Security Mom: Why ‘Going Soft’ Will Make America Strong, reminded me of that old Robert Fulghum book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. Only its focus is on parenting and national security. Everything Bennett says she needed to know about that subject, she learned from her family.

Bennett recently fielded six questions from me about her book (published by the woman who published my book, FYI) and about national security and parents, as we prepare to go the polls and pick a new president in less than a month.

Meredith O’Brien, Picket Fence Post: Why did you write this book and for whom did you write it?

Gina Bennett, author of National Security Mom: After 20 years of countering terrorism from inside the covert world of the Intelligence Community, I came to realize that the most powerful weapon America can wield in this fight is the courage of the American people. For years, my colleagues and I have worked daily to collect intelligence, uncover plots, identify key leaders and figure out how to stop terrorists from carrying out their attacks. But no matter how hard we work, there will be times when terrorists will succeed in getting past our security efforts. But when that happens, it does not have to mean that America was defeated. As long as Americans stand united in the aftermath of such a tragedy and refuse to change because of it, the terrorists are the ones who will be defeated.

Terrorists don’t seek death and destruction alone. They want to use the horror of their attacks to shake our faith in our form of government. If we remain committed to our democratic principles and ideals, we rob them of their attempted victory over us and undermine their future influence. The men and women in government can’t do this alone. Every American is our partner, and I wrote this book to convey that message. I also wrote with parents, and especially mothers, in mind because I felt the national security debate was overwhelmingly dominated by “insider” jargon that left many parents feeling like outsiders. But you don’t have to understand all the intricacies of the intelligence, law enforcement and military efforts in countering terrorism to be an informed participant in the national security debate.

(more…)

During last night’s vice presidential debate a number of references were made to the candidates’ parenthood.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, a self-described pitbull of a hockey mom, said that if you want to gauge how people are feeling about the economy, just go to a kids’ soccer game, talk to the parents and you’ll hear expressions of fear and worry about the future. She also said that, if elected, she’d bring her Main Streeter, average mom point of view to Washington.

Meanwhile, Senator Joe Biden said he understands all too well what it’s like to be a single dad who sits around the kitchen table wondering how he’s going to take care of his kids and pay for all their expenses. In an emotional moment, he choked up recalling the fatal accident that took the lives of his first wife and his daughter, and sent his two sons to the hospital. The Wall Street Journal’s The Juggle blogused Biden’s moment as a jumping off point to discuss whether single dads get enough credit for their parenting.

Meanwhile, both candidates, as well as Senator John McCain, have sons serving in Iraq, making the discussion of the war in Iraq a very personal one as well as a policy-oriented exercise.

My favorite moment:The post-debate photo op, where the Palin and Biden families converged on stage. It was the most genuine, real moment of the whole event. However as I watched Palin’s daughter Piper, 7, walk around holding her infant brother Trig, I was holding my breath because it didn’t look like she had a solid hold on him. Just like when Mama Palin gave her acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, I was sure Piper was going to drop her brother.

Get my take on the overall debate performances in my Suburban Mom’s Political Fix.

Image credit: New York Times/James Estrin.

It’s not often that I read a story in the sports pages of the newspaper that involve parenting. At least not in a positive way. But when I read a New York Times piece on the Arizona Cardinals’ quarterback Kurt Warner, father of seven (ages 2-16), and how he and his wife raise their kids, I was touched and inspired. Among the things about the Warner family that moved me:

When the family goes out to dinner, the children vote on for which other table they should foot the bill. Anonymously. The diners never find out that the QB and his family singled them out for their generosity.

The family has a set of eight rules for their children. Among the Warner family rules: Share your favorite part of your day with one another at dinner, spend one hour at an art museum while on the road with Dad at a game or traveling, notice the eye color of your waiter or waitress and hold hands with a sibling for 10 minutes if you can’t get along.

That last item, while I can’t see it working in my particular household (at least not without bloodshed, separate corners seems to work best for us, actually, separate counties) I think it’s sweet. In fact, the whole Warner family sounds so sweet that my teeth hurt. But in a good way.

Image credit: Andrew Grant/New York Times.

Item #1: Ditching Goody Bags

A blogger on the web site Babble wants birthday party goody bags killed. Dead. Finished. Finito. They’re usually filled with cheap toys, too much candy and promote the gimmes, she said:

“When we’re handed these tokens of participation at the end of the soiree, I am filled with a mixture of angst and anxiety. I immediately start to try to scheme on how to get the colorfully decorated bag out of my daughters’ curious and greedy little hands. A task which I wish could be avoided altogether.”

I’d be all for eliminating goody bags — I didn’t need a goody bag when I was kid to enjoy a party — if all the other parents would agree to cease and desist. I wouldn’t want to go solo on something like this. Every year, I feel great pressure when it comes to putting together the birthday party goody bags. I always try to be very reasonable about what I put in them, but usually, a few days before a party, I start worrying that I’ve been too cheap and that my frugalness will hurt my kids socially. My guilt typically propels me to go to the store to pick up a large bag of processed sugar that’s been molded into Laffy Taffy or Nerds and stuff handfuls of the empty calories into the bags to make them look fuller, bad mother am I.

Item #2: Martha Stewart’s Snarky Kid

Martha Stewart’s kid is all grown up now, swears profusely, and has taken to mocking her mother. On TV. For a paycheck. No lie.

New York Magazine recently ran a long feature piece on the mother-daughter duo focusing on the fact that Alexis Stewart and her sidekick, Jennifer Koppelman Hutt, will be doing a TV show for the Fine Living Network consisting entirely of ridiculing old episodes of Martha Stewart Living, pop-up video style. Alexis and Jennifer, who have a satellite radio show called Whatever, with Alexis and Jennifer, will also be the hosts of the new program called Whatever, Martha, a show endorsed by mama herself.

To give the green light to this puppy, Martha must have skin that’s 10-feet thick.

Check out the promo for the new show here.

Item #3: Suburban Mom’s Political Fix

This has been the wildest presidential campaign I’ve ever seen. And when I’ve asked those who’ve witnessed more campaigns than I what they think, they agree. Without exception. This year, not only will history be made in one way or another on November 4, the election season has been unpredictable and exciting, no matter for which candidate you’re rooting.

So I’ve decided that, with all the media’s focus on the “mom” vote (as if there is one, monolithic “mom” vote, which, of course there isn’t), I decided that my Suburban Mom blog would take on politics (in a bipartisan fashion of course) and start a new, regular feature entitled, the Suburban Mom’s Political Fix. Check back on the Suburban Mom blog for the latest take on the election from your resident suburban mom with caffeine addiction issues.

Image credit: New York Magazine/Alexis Stewart/Getty Images. 

Worried that the railing-thin young female stars of the newly revamped 90210 are sending the wrong message to impressionable girls, Entertainment Weekly ran a piece quoting unnamed sources who said folks are growing concerned about the actresses’ bodies which were called ”alarmingly thin, with arms that seem thickest at the wrist, and legs that look like, well arms.” The AMC show Mad Men (shout out to the Emmy winner for best drama!) was singled out for promoting a “healthy body image” mostly because of actress Christina Hendricks, who plays a sultry office manager on the program and who EW called “the very definition of sexy.”

While watching the Emmys last night, I was absolutely taken with how Hendricks made actual, feminine curves fashionable. Take a look at the photo of Hendricks in her green dress at last night’s awards show. Amidst the sea of toothpicks, she stood out and, to echo EW, provided a much healthier attitude toward the female form than the anorexic celebs who usually populate red carpets.

So if you have a daughter who starts to covet the figures of one of the new 90210 gals, show her a photo of Hendricks (maybe not this one of the gown with the plunging neckline, but a tasteful one from the show, like this one) and tell her there are other ways to be beautiful.

Better yet, visit the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty web site, be sure to check out the section for moms who are looking to help their daughters cultivate a healthy body image, and direct your daughter to the section just for the girls.

Image credit: AP/Chris Pizzello/Boston Globe.

Note: If you’re a Mad Men fan — and I know you all want to be – be sure to check out my latest Pop Culture and Politics column about the mixed messages we received from the media over the past 10 days about what we want and expect from American career women.

My town doesn’t have neighborhood schools. It doesn’t have crossing guards. There’s virtually nothing that encourages students to walk to school.

When my three kids were attending the grade school less than a mile away from my house, I spoke with the principal about having them walk to school and was told that there were no crossing guards therefore I’d have to walk with them each way because there was a street to cross. When I inquired about having them ride bikes, the principal paused — this, apparently was an odd inquiry, even though there is a small bike rack in front of the school – and repeated that a parent had to accompany the kids.

So for the one year that my children attended the same school, we tried to walk and/or ride bikes or scooters as often as possible, enabled by the fact that I was working from home. By the time my older children reached an age where I’d consider allowing them to walk to school solo, they’d already moved on to another school across town.

I was reminded of my kids’ walking to school experiences when I read a page one story in the Boston Globe today about parents who are trying to spark a ”walk-to-school movement.” “One major obstacle remains,” the article said, “parents who are fearful of letting their children leave home on their own.” The article mentioned that in several Boston suburbs parents are trying to organize “walking groups” of children supervised by adults, and that school districts are hiring “walking coordinators” and enlisting the help of crossing guards.

One stat in the article stood out: 42 percent of school children walked to school 40 years ago, compared to only 15 percent today. Why is this the case? The article indicated that the trend away from neighborhood schools, as well as busier schedules could be blamed. Plus, if today’s kids require a parental supervisor that wouldn’t work if parents have jobs where they can’t show up late in the mornings or if they can’t leave work in order to walk the kids home. And, if you’ve got students attending multiple schools, there’s another strike against walking. Meanwhile, all we hear about is childhood obesity.

The answer? I wish we could go back to the days of neighborhood schools and retiree crossing guards like when I was a kid. I don’t think that’s going to be happening any time soon, at least in my town.

If, however, you live close enough to a school where you could consider having your children walk, check out the Fearless Walkers web site, by a Stoneham, Mass. parent who told the Globe, “I feel when [the students] walk the half-mile to school and get the fresh air, they sit more comfortably in their seats in class and are ready to learn.” There’s also the Massachusetts Safe Routes to School web site which promotes “alternative” ways to get to school, and a federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention program called Kids Walk to School.

Image credit: Michigan Safe Routes.

Item #1: ‘Mad Men’ Drawing Reflects My Mood This Week

Mad Men-loving artist Dyna Moe (who has created 25 Mad Men-inspired illustrations) expertly captured not just the frustration of betrayed 1960s housewife Betty Draper, but reflected my mood over the past couple of days, although I haven’t taken my dourness out on the furniture. (If you’re a Mad Men fan, check out the illustrations, particularly the one with Sally Draper serving as her parents’ bartending. Quite cheeky, the lot of ‘em.)

Item #2: Breastfeeding on Film

An Ithaca College professor surveyed has 150 films that included either a depiction or discussion of breastfeeding or a nursing mom and found that most of the depictions or references sexualized the subjects. “American women continue to be harassed and kicked out of restaurants, museums and swimming pools for nursing their babies, despite the overwhelming evidence that breastfeeding is the ideal way to nourish children early in life,” said Professor Sarah Rubenstein-Gillis, who wrote a piece called “Reel Milk” for Mothering Magazine. “Hollywood films illustrate and often validate these mixed messages and moviegoers continue to be informed by them.”

Huffington Post blogger Heather Cabot agreed, saying, “. . . [S]ince the entertainment industry and celebrity culture remain so influential it would seem really constructive for filmmakers to think more about the way they present breastfeeding and to depict it in a way that reflects what it is really all about — the health and well-being of baby and mother.”

(Rubenstein-Gillis also has a Reel Milk blog which lists films which mention breastfeeding.)

Item #3: Care for Breast Milk in Your Soup?

I was perusing the headlines on the Drudge Report and saw a sensational one about a Swiss restaurant which plans to serve dishes that include human breast milk. I felt compelled to mention it here because what’s a “Three for Thursday” blog entry with not one, but two breastfeeding stories? The Telegraph news story quoted the restaurant owner as saying, “We have all been raised on it [breast milk]. Why should we not include it in our diet?” The restauranteur has been advertising for milk donors.

I’ve got nothin’, absolutely nothin’ to add here.

Image credit: Dyna Moe.

I had the pleasure last week of sitting next to Alice Domar, the keynote speaker at the MetroWest Chamber of Commerce’s Women’s Initiative dinner. (Note: One of the event sponsors was skirt! magazine, which is owned by the same company as P&K Magazine.) Domar, an internationally known expert on what’s called the mind-body connection, discussed the main themes of her new book, Be Happy Without Being Perfect, specifically on how and why women should let go of the illusion of perfection.

What struck me about Domar, wasn’t just that during dinner, she was a down-to-earth person who spoke with ease about how her tween-aged daughter was upset that Domar had to be out for the evening and about her exploits helping her daughter sell Girl Scout cookies outside a local grocery store. It was that what Domar said — both at the microphone and away from it – was real, didn’t seem rehearsed/polished (even though this is a person who toured with Oprah in 2004-2005 and regularly appears on national television) and indicated that she understands what it’s like to be a working parent circa 2008 during an “epidemic of stress” like the rest of us.

(more…)

Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick has the opportunity to inject some sanity into Massachusetts school systems when it comes to the classroom placement of twins, triplets or what’s called ”higher order multiples” (meaning quads, quintuplets, etc.). A bill to allow parents to choose whether they want their twin or triplet children in the same or different classrooms has made it through the state House and Senate and has landed in Patrick’s hands.

As a mother of twins, I heartily cheer on this empowering move for parents who know the children better than anyone else. In August 2002, I wrote a piece for Parents and Kids Magazine about classroom placement for twin kindergartners and found that a vast number of education specialists believe that the decision should be left up to the parents. However in Massachusetts, many school principals continued to cling to policies mandating separating multiples, treating their unique status as if it were a virus that needed to be stamped out.

As I researched the piece, I spoke with folks who’d been involved in a local mothers of twins organization,  many of whom opted to separate their children in kindergarten because they felt it would be the best move. When my boy-girl twins were entering kindergarten, The Spouse and I wanted them together (had to buck the “we always separate twins” mantra), but by first grade, we wanted them separated. A one-size-fits-all-just-separate them policy is outdated and doesn’t reflect contemporary research in the field of multiples, nor does it recognize that parents of multiples have a variety of opinions on the subject.

The authors of The Art of Parenting Twins wrote, “It is the single most important event in the expansion of their children’s social environment (after preschool and day care), and signals a major separation from parents and home.” A Boston University professor told the Boston Globe that stripping a twin of his or her lifelong partner at a time of major change was an unnecessary move, if the children weren’t ready for it: “If a 5-year-old child would feel more happy with their twin with them, why would we not do that?”

The National Organization of Mothers of Twins, which has a produced a booklet on the issue, says no studies support the age-old contention that twins are better off separated and advocates a “flexible placement policy through the early elementary school years.”