Picket Fence Post

Item #1: The Max Factor

I cannot shake the feeling that I’ve time traveled back to 2002, when my youngest child was still a baby and wouldn’t allow The Spouse and I to sleep through the night. For three years this went on, unless we let him sleep in bed with us. Those sleepless years — with the pint-sized bed hog nestled in between us, randomly flailing about – made an impact on The Spouse and I. That was a dark, sleepless period of time.

So when our 3-month-old puppy Max decided that for all but one night since he’s been in the Picket Fence Post home that he’d be bound and determined to howl and bark after we went to bed, it’s as if we’ve zoomed back to those sleep deprived years when The Spouse and I would crankily argue at 3 in the morning over the best plan of action.

With Max, after five nights of The Spouse or I sleeping on the sofa next to his crate, we finally decided to leave him in his crate in our family room (not in our bedroom as I suggested, with the sole goal of getting some shut-eye) and the canine’s been none too happy about it. Two nights ago, The Spouse and Max had a stand off that went on from 2-3 a.m. The Spouse took him outside twice during that time only to have little, fluffy, extremely cute Max bark the minute The Spouse returned to our bedroom.

Juan Valdez is so psyched that our life is currently being run by a nocturnal six-pound loud mouth. It’s good for business.

Item #2: ‘Outside Ye Maniacs’

I don’t understand. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t.

Why won’t the Picket Fence Post children go outside and play — and do whatever their little minds imagine — without making me threaten them with hours upon hours of brain-deadening housecleaning chores, like scrubbing the kitchen floor? (Kidding. Sort of.)

We’ve had two weeks of fairly good weather and, on the nice days, it’s been a struggle to get the kids to frolic in the out of doors. Much to my chagrin, my oldest children have figured out how to exploit my love of reading to try to get out of going outside by saying, “But I’m reading!” Which, of course, is a good thing, right?

Today I struck a compromise. “Go outside and read under the shade of a tree,” I said.

“Are you gonna MAKE us go outside?” the Youngest Boy asked, after saying he wasn’t interested in reading, inside or outside.

Seeing that he was clutching a Star Wars figure in his hand, I used that to my advantage. “You can get more action figures and bring them OUTSIDE and play with them.”

Item #3: Coveting Your Kid’s Life

Do you covet your kid’s life? A Details Magazine writer, in a piece on Yahoo’s SHINE, thinks that today’s kids have it way easier than their parents did. (Isn’t that what every generation thinks?) An excerpt of the snarky, tongue-in-cheek piece:

“. . . [L]et’s be honest, there’s plenty to begrudge. Not only do your kids have a far sweeter set up than you had growing up — in the days when Atari ruled and easily accessible porn meant your sister’s Judy Blume collection — but they also have it better than you do now . . . Your kids have multi-player online games and time to play them . . . Junior — God bless him — keeps getting smarter and savvier; he’s effortlessly cool and young while you struggle to hang on, wincing from an Achilles tendon strained when playing H-O-R-S-E and fighting the urge to sing along with ‘I Kissed a Girl’ in your Passat wagon.”

Does he have a point or is he just whining (kind of like I am in Item #1)?

Item #4: ‘Mad Men’s’ Award Winning Mommy

Actually, I jest when I use the phrase “award winning mommy,” because there are no mothers of the year on Mad Men.

Betty Draper, surficially the woman who has everything — beautiful home in the suburbs, nice clothing, two kids and a hot husband who makes a good living and buys her jewelry – was last seen at the end of season two, pregnant with her third child. But Betty Draper, my friends, is certainly no role model. She chastises her daughter about the hazards of a girl getting “stout,” urges her husband Don to beat on their youngest son Bobby after he misbehaves, and sometimes gets so loaded that she can’t take care of the kids and leaves it up to the nanny/housekeeper.

The Dyna Moe image above is from the first season when Betty found her daughter Sally playing “spaceman” and wearing the plastic dry cleaning bag over her head. Instead of telling Sally to take it off because she could suffocate, Betty says her dry cleaning better not be found lying all over the floor.

Catch Betty’s latest maternal escapades in the third season Mad Men Sunday nights on AMC.

Image credit: Dyna Moe.