Picket Fence Post

My fifth graders are going to start middle school this fall and, because they’re my oldest kiddos, I attended a recent principal’s coffee where parents of incoming sixth graders were given a tour of the middle school and a primer about middle school life.

Among the handouts parents were given was a pamphlet that provided moms and dads with advice on how to help make our child’s academic experience in middle school a positive one.

So where’s the “Friday Funny” in this, you may be asking. It was in the pamphlet’s seventh tip: “Encourage your child to keep his/her locker tidy — feel free to come in after school with your child to clean out unwanted items.”

This is one step removed from this kind of helicopter parenting advice: “Please meet your child in the cafeteria at his/her designated lunch time in order to properly cut the child’s foods into bite-sized pieces so the student does not choke. In the event of choking, you should be pre-certified in the Heimlich Maneuver and execute the maneuver if given permission by the lunch room monitor to do so. Your certificate must be on file in the office before entering the cafeteria.”

Actually, that one about cutting up a kid’s food and being certified in the Heimlich Maneuver was not included among the tips, but seriously, asking parents to clean out their kid’s locker is ridiculous.

When I posted this on my Facebook page, I was delighted to read some of the responses from my friends:

“Just bring a scraper, some diluted hydrochloric acid and proper protective gear. And proper containment apparatus,” one wrote.

Another added, “And a wheelbarrow for all the papers not brought home.”

A current college student who attends the university where I used to teach, provided the most salient response when he wrote, “If my mom came to school to clean out my locker it would have probably taken until college for me to forgive her.”

Image credit: School Outfitters.

Okay, so I write about ABC’s Modern Family so much that people might wonder if I’m getting some kind of payment for mentioning it this often. And I do, with laughs.

The promo for next week’s Valentine’s Day themed episode features Claire and Phil, married parents of three,  doing a little risque role playing to spice things up . . . with unexpected consequences. Enjoy.

Any fans of Lost in the house? As the start of the final season draws closer (it’s on Feb. 2), fans are gearing up to say goodbye to the complicated series. And they’re doing so in a variety of ways, including by making parody videos.

Some folks who call themselves “The Gorgeous Geeks” have created a cartoonish video extolling the virtues of Sawyer, the fast-talking, nickname-giving con man with the shaggy mane of blonde hair:

Want to see a family-styled spoof? An Italian family from Long Island reenacted scenes from Lost’s previous seasons in someone’s house, mostly in the living room. The kids, the grandparents, everyone got involved . . . to amusing ends, with a little interruption from a Jets game. As I watched it, I thought that my kids would have a blast doing something like this:

When you had a baby in the house, did any of you have disagreements with your significant other over employing the Ferber method, like whether to do it, how to do it? All who did, raise your hands. (Mine’s up.)

For those of you who don’t know what the verb “Ferberize” means, you must’ve been living under a rock to have missed this particular term: It’s a strategy for teaching your baby to soothe him or herself back to sleep by, essentially, letting the kid cry it out. It’s controversial, particularly among the attachment parenting set.

The awesome ABC comedy Modern Family took on Ferberizing this week by having new dad Mitchell insist that his baby Lily needed to be allowed to cry herself back to sleep, while his partner Cameron protests, calling the technique cruel and heartless. Mayhem ensues.

Many years ago when there were babies in the Picket Fence Post house, I played the overly emotional role of Cameron even though I agreed that it needed to be done. (I’d be lying in bed in the middle of the night fretting as my stomach lurched while listening to the baby cry on the baby monitor.) The Spouse played the role of Mitchell, the hard-nosed Ferberizer . . . and, with The Youngest Boy.

Going into the last weekend before Christmas I know I need some major laughs, especially when I think about the To Do list:

– Gotta bake Christmas cookies. The Spouse thinks he has time to make two cheesecakes too. (*snicker*)

– Will face a pediatric insurrection if either I or The Spouse don’t again attempt to supervise the Picket Fence Post kids in building a gingerbread house (from a box with pre-baked pieces). When I tried to supervise this enterprise one night after dinner this week when The Spouse was out, I wound up sending the three kids to bed instead and putting the gingerbread house stuff away while I raged around the kitchen because they wouldn’t stop fighting.

– Need to clean the house.  (We’ve got people coming over.)

– Must bring the children to three sporting events, two basketball games and a hockey scrimmage.

– Attend a Hanukkah event to which we were supposed to bring a gift for a Yankee Swap. (Hate them!) I had no time to get a gift — despite the fact that I feel as though I now live at Target but I kept forgetting to get something for it – so I’m hoping The Spouse has this one covered, or else we’re going to have to grab some random item from the house and wrap it up.

– Bring the kids to church early on Sunday so they can get ready to appear in the Nativity play, where The Spouse is one of the parental supervisors. The kids are playing Innkeeper #2, Innkeeper #3 and a donkey.

– Between now and Thursday we need to finish the Christmas shopping. Or should I say The Spouse has to finish it (still some outstanding items left on his list), which is why I’m skeptical about the two cheesecake item. Or whether getting the last few gifts will even fit into the weekend.

– Wrap presents, though I suppose this can wait until later in the week despite the fact that not a single gift has been wrapped yet.

Busy weekend in the ‘burbs, eh? Really bustling . . . kind of like the type of weekend satirized by comedian Sally Brooks in her new uber-profanity-laced rap, “Weekend Rap.” Several months ago I posted her original “Suburban Housewife” rap here as a Friday Funny. (”. . .  put it in a cup, it looks like iced tea“)

Go to her web site and spend four minutes and change wathcing her “Weekend Rap” (but not with any kids or boss/supervisor types around) if you want to laugh about how suburban parental weekends usually feature trips to Target and Costco, soccer games where parents yell at the refs, visits from in-laws who criticize your lack of housekeeping, doing yard work, attending potluck neighborhood gatherings featuring organic meat which end at 9 so the kids can get to bed on time.

“We’re gonna pass into legend, the parents who canceled Christmas,” Claire, mom of three, in Modern Family.

I’ve loving Modern Family, a freshman ABC comedy, more and more with each new episode.

In the recent Christmas installment (available free on the ABC web site) Claire and Phil, parents of a teenager and two tweens, find a burn mark on the arm of their sofa on Christmas Eve and demand that one of their three kids admit wrong-doing. If someone doesn’t step up and cop to the charge, Phil spontaneously decides that they’re going to cancel Christmas, something with which Claire is not entirely on board but silently supports her husband nonetheless.

The entire episode is definitely worth watching, particularly the “Inocente!” part.

It’s been several weeks since the fall TV season commenced and the new half-hour ABC comedy Modern Family – about a multi-generational, messed up, loving American family — has not only lived up to its pre-season buzz, but it’s exceeded it.

Paired with another family half-hour comedy, The Middle (starring Patricia Heaton), these two have made Wednesday nights the big comedy night of the week. And when you factor in The New Adventures of Old Christine (starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus) on CBS on Wednesdays as well, it’s family dysfunction at its finest. (You can view previous episodes of The Middle and Modern Family on the ABC web site, and Old Christine eps on the CBS web site.)

For your Friday funny viewing, here’s a segment from a recent episode of Modern Family where new adoptive dads, Cameron and Mitchell were taking their baby home from the hospital after accidentally hitting her head against a door jam and discussing whether they are good parents:

While reading Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch blog this week, I came across an entry about Bill Cosby winning the Mark Twain prize for American humor. Attached to the end of the post was a YouTube video that brought back a flood of memories: Cosby’s stand-up routine where he described serving his children chocolate cake for breakfast. (”Dad is great . . . he gives us chocolate cake.”)

I haven’t seen this video in decades and it’s still funny, funnier still now that I’m a parent.

Enjoy.

For this week’s Friday Funnies installment, I’m going to recommend that you tune into a new ABC Wednesday night comedy with which I’ve recently become enamored: The Middle, starring Patricia Heaton from Everybody Loves Raymond. The show heavily reminds me of the off-beat comedy from Malcolm in the Middle which is now, sadly, only airing in reruns.

Heaton’s Frankie Heck is a hard working, extremely harried car saleswoman who has three oddball kids and a quarry manager husband who often acts like her fourth kid. She’s also recently learned that she has to also help out elderly relatives who can no longer drive, oh, and her family’s always strapped for cash. So, it stands to reason that Frankie’s major league stressed out.

In the clip below (from this week’s episode), Frankie decides to take a 15-minute break at the car dealership while her colleague promises to cover for her, although disaster ensues when she emerges from her “break” in the dingy women’s bathroom. This scene reminded me of the days when my kids were babies and toddlers and just being able to spend an hour at CVS all by myself seemed like a luxurious break.

You can watch full episodes of The Middle for free on its web site.

For your Friday Funnies viewing pleasure:

What do you think of Kate Gosselin’s attempt to lighten the mood and poke fun at herself?