Picket Fence Post

A former college colleague of mine wrote a funny post on his blog about what he calls, “The Most Demented Toy of the Year,” otherwise known as the Indiana Jones whip. And it’s electronic!

“Nothing like watching the kiddies smack each other in the face with a 3-foot-long ’soft’ rope and then listen to the classic ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ theme as a reward,” Darren Garnick wrote. “Would be even more fantastic if the whip handle also played other John Williams-composed hits.”

During a recent trip to a store in which I spend too much time (*cough* Target *cough*), my 6-year-old saw this item at the end of an aisle. His eyes lit up. “Whoa,” he whispered.

“No!” I responded.

He moved on the Star Wars aisle where I allowed him to purchase two Star Wars action figures from his “money collection” as he calls it. I told him he could go home and abuse his siblings with his various light sabers. They’re a bit safer than whips.

Image Credit: Amazon.com.

Apparently American pets are so enamoured of their human “dads” that they’re now buying Father’s Day cards for them. (Just to be clear: I’m talking about pets giving cards TO the humans, NOT about cards that simply have cute pets on the cover.)

How the pets — mostly cats and dogs — are accomplishing this feat is beyond me. I’ve yet to see a pet go to a card store, pick out the perfect Father’s Day card, slap down the cash and then deliver it to its human dad. I simply must not have been paying close attention. They must be choosing cards for their human dads, or why else would major greeting card makers create Father’s Day cards from a cat or from a dog to its human father? (I’m making a huge leap in assuming that the cards are meant for the human fathers, otherwise, how would the animal fathers actually read and laugh at the witty one-liners inside said cards?)

When shopping for Father’s Day cards today, I also saw cards intended to be from a baby to his or her dad. But, like with the cats and dogs, I’ve never before witnessed an infant pick out a card for his or her dad. Frankly, I think it’s dumb to pick out a card “from the baby,” because you’re not fooling anyone. The kid didn’t pick it out. Drooled on it, well that’s a distinct possibility. Picked it out? Maybe if you guided the child’s arm in the general direction of the cards you could argue that the kid picked it out, but that would be stretching the truth. (Better to get one of those, “On your first Father’s Day cards” instead.)

When my kids pick out greeting cards — though I prefer that they make them — there’s no doubt that they made the selections (you should SEE what SpongeBob-ish choices they make). It’s believable to say that anyone from a toddler age on up could conceivably select a card for his or her father. It strains credulity, however, to suggest that a baby picked out a card. Or that Fido just had to get Daddy a card too.

But I could be wrong. Certainly the nice folks at the greeting card stores would never create a line of cards for nonsensical reasons. Pets MUST be doing a lot of card buying these days or they wouldn’t have these cards out on the racks, right?

So if any of you, intrepid blog readers, actually see a dog or a cat selecting a Father’s Day card for its human father, please drop me a line. I’d love to get a detailed report.

A large article — accompanied by, count ‘em, three color photos — in the New York Times makes the argument that walking around with dramatically, noticeably chipped nail polish is now in. But only if you’re under 35 years old. And only if you’re wearing over-priced designer clothing and toting stupidly expensive purses which hold your now much-lighter wallet.

What reasons does one of the nation’s largest newspapers give for making this declaration?

“Over the last few years . . . having streaked, chipped or just plain grotty nail polish no longer suggests drug addiction, manual labor or pure laziness,” wrote Melena Ryzik. “Like untied high-tops, thread-worn jeans and bedhead, it’s now part of a deliberate look . . . It has been spotted uptown, in professional settings and gala parties, behind department store sales counters and even (gasp!) on beauty and fashion industry insiders.”

If letting your deep red nail polish chip to the point that it looks like you were splattered by blood is now chic — except for oldsters such as myself (the late 30+ crowd) — I’m throwing down the gauntlet. If the Times thinks it can declare something like this a bonafide fashion trend, then I, your intrepid blogger, have decided to jump into the deep end of the pool and declare some fashion trends of my own. . . starting with pony tails, sleekly done, 24/7. Not that pulling all your hair back into a pony tail says that you don’t care, it just tells the world that you have better things to do than spend 77 minutes on your hair every morning.

PJs at the school drop-off or school bus stop. Barely camouflaging your pajamas with a sweater or jacket and casually slipped-on sandals when seeing your children off to school indicates to the world that you were in bed too long.  What better way to get your neighbors to start wondering about whatever could have kept you in bed so late . . . other than garden variety sleep deprivation induced by living with small children.

Root beer or chocolate chip cookie dough lip balm as moisturizer. Who among us hasn’t used our children’s fun, flavorful lip balm on a dry patch or two? Why not make it a full-fledged trend and start regularly smoothing it on our elbows, knees and other parched areas so not only will they be soft and supple, but they’ll smell good too?

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